With Theresa May’s shiny blue convertible careering all over the place, here are a few tips for motorists anxious to avoid a nasty accident.
1) Middle of the road is a dangerous place to be, but don’t worry. She’s only claiming to be there in order to force other drivers onto the hard shoulder. Her middle of the road is wherever she decides it may be, and it shouldn’t be confused with reality.
2) Be careful of her occasional intimidating lurch to the left while muttering angrily about the ‘irresponsible’ entrepreneur friends she’s encouraged all her political life. This is just a cunning manoeuvre, and she’ll soon swing back again, a manic grin on her face.
3) Much more dangerous is her characteristic swerve to the right and into the gutter, where she hopes to run over unworthy foreigners and sneering elitists loitering on the kerb. Keep well clear of her and alert the authorities. (Thanks to her they’ll already be reading your emails, so this shouldn’t be difficult.)
4) Try to head her off when, wide-eyed and reckless, she makes for the Brexit turn-off. This is going to lead to an almighty crash which will take her wheels off – and yours too, we’re sorry to say.