With apoplectic Brexiteers determined to give the bum’s rush to the judiciary, here’s a useful guide to evacuating unwanted democratic and humane matter from your system.
1) First gather your supplies. The Daily Maul is a notorious emetic, encouraging spontaneous vomiting, but, along with the Sun, the Express and the Telegraph, it also has spectacular bowel-loosening qualities if taken regularly.
2) Next find a relaxing place which lulls your critical faculties into a mindless slumber.
3) Now take up your chosen rag. There’s no need to insert it where it deserves to go. Simply turn the pages, and as you ingest the poison you’ll feel all kinds of stubborn deposits – human decency, tolerance, regard for your fellow man and woman – dissolving within you.
4) Finally enjoy the wonderful sense of relief as all that irritating crud gushes out and – oh, anus mirabilis! – you’re free to vent your spleen on foreigners, judges, experts and anyone else your traditional British upbringing taught you to respect.
- Don’t worry about the odorous mess you leave behind – future generations will be obliged to swab the floor on your behalf.